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Songagrams by Tony Crafter

Anagrammer Tony Crafter has a fascination with anagramming songs to songs. He says, "I try to keep the same structure and rhyming pattern, and you should be able to sing my anagram to the original tune." Here are some of his masterpieces:


Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds
by The Beatles

 Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she's gone.

{REFRAIN}
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ah... Ah...

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies,
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,
That grow so incredibly high.
Newspaper taxis appear on the shore,
Waiting to take you away.
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds,
And you're gone.

{REFRAIN}
Lucy in the sky with diamonds ...
Ah ... Ah ...

Picture yourself on a train in a station,
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties,
Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile,
The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

{REFRAIN}
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ah... Ah...

=

BROKEN GLASSES

Picture yourself there outside the Dakota,
With Yoko, in west-side Manhattan, NY,
Suddenly someone appears from the shadows,
The man with the far-away eyes.

In this weird moment, the world stands quite still,
Everything's drifting away,
I look at the man who's extending his hand ...
With a gun.

{REFRAIN}
Is this really how I will die?
Is this really how I will die?
Is this really how I will die?

Follows behind you, cries out, "Mr Lennon!"
You look back, his gun kicks, you feel burning pain,
Somebody screams as you drop to the sidewalk;
You pray he won't shoot you again.
Cop-car with siren arrives on the scene,
Waiting to take you away,
Lie in the back while your life drips away,
Then you're gone...

{REFRAIN}
Is this truly how I shall die? ...

Picture yourself looking down on a sidewalk,
At shattered, red spectacles lying close by,
Yoko prays, clasping your head to her breast while
The man reads The Catcher In The Rye.

+ + +

On December eighth, nineteen eighty, solitary psychopath Mark David Chapman snuffed out 'Mr. Lennon'.


Memphis Tennessee
By Chuck Berry

 Long distance information, give me Memphis Tennessee
Help me find the party trying to get in touch with me
She could not leave her number, but I know who placed the call
'Cause my uncle took the message and he wrote it on the wall

Help me, information, get in touch with my Marie
She's the only one who'd phone me here from Memphis Tennessee
Her home is on the south side, high up on a ridge
Just a half a mile from the Mississippi Bridge

Help me, information, more than that I cannot add
Only that I miss her and all the fun we had
But we were pulled apart because her mom did not agree
And tore apart our happy home in Memphis Tennessee

Last time I saw Marie she's waving me good-bye
With hurry home drops on her cheek that trickled from her eye
Marie is only six years old, information please
Try to put me through to her in Memphis Tennessee

=

GET HERE!

Help me Express Plumbers, I've one big emergency,
There's a leak in my home water tank, that's drippin' here on me,
The ceiling's damp and I see water streamin' down the wall,
As I sit here in a puddle by the home-phone in the hall.

Help me I'm in trouble, 'cos the drip's become a flow,
I've told you my dilemma, man, what more d'you need to know?
Pardon me, what's that you say? 'Choose options - one of three,
Then confirm the number with a press of the hash key'?

Help me Mr. Plumber for the drip's become a gush,
Now the ceiling's saggin' and is changin' into mush, You say my call's important; seems I'm fourteenth in the line,
Thirteen more to go (then press the hash just one more time).

Damn, the ceiling's disappeared, there's nothin' left of it!
Furthermore you're playin' Handel's Water Music shit!
I'm swimmin' like a merman through the house and out the home,
Hey, it's academic now, forget I ever phoned.


Send in the Clowns
By Stephen Sondheim

 Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.

Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.
Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was
yours,
Making my entrance again with my usual
flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.

Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer,
Losing my timing this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year.

=

SEND IN THE BROWN
(The Unfit Intervener)

Once banks were rich,
Now they are poor,
Profits are plunging way down,
"Mayday!" they roar;
"Call PM Brown!"

On his white horse,
Jaunting around,
He keeps on thinking he's great,
Handing out pounds,
At a fine rate,
Meet Lender Brown.

When genuine greed, cost them a lot,
Gordon arrives on a steed with his
bottomless pot,
Like Don Quixote he tilts at too many
windmills,
Set in his aim,
Set in his will.

Isn't he wet?
Isn't he weird?
The inane, canny Scot with a twitch,
Has made it quite clear,
"My sword is unfurled!
Let me save the world!"
The guy is a clown.

Are we, then, rich?
I feel we are not!
Nay, money's scarce, aye and he's lost the
plot;
My my, Cheater Brown
You un-funny clown,
Your country is shot!


Sixteen Going on Seventeen
from 'The Sound of Music'

 [Rolf:]
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life, little girl, is an empty page
That men will want to write on

[Liesl:]
To write on

[Rolf:]
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Baby, it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful
Baby, you're on the brink

You are sixteen going on seventeen
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads and roues and cads
Will offer you food and wine

Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken

You need someone older an' wiser
Telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen
I'll take care of you

[Liesl:]
I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen
I'll depend on you

=

Nineteen, Going on Forever!
(from female to old rebel.)

[Ellen:]
You stand, Daddy dear, at a certain stage
In life, called 'being older',
I think daddy dear one should act one's age,
And do as one is told, sir.

[Pa:]
I'm told ... er?.

[Ellen:]
You are sixty going on seventy,
Maybe it's time to think?
No more old-farty prancings at parties,
After you've had one drink.

You are sixty going on seventy
Waffle a load of bull,
Think you're the bees-knees, lovin' the Bee Gees,
Father, that's so uncool!

Genteel and uninformed are you,
Of trends too unaware,
Plus a remaining flaw or two
I'm offering to repair.

You need someone clever and streetwise
Telling you what is new,
I am nineteen going on twenty
I will re-educate you.

[Pa:]
I am sixty going on seventy
Now my confusion grows!
Texting and emails, eerie blonde she-males,
What do I know of those?

I am sixty going on seventy,
I know I waffle on,
But it's all pifflin', for no-one's listenin'
They'll want me when I'm gone!

I'm a mite uninformed, ok,
On that I will agree
Buble, Beyonce and Coldplay,
All three bewilder me!

I need someone clever and streetwise
Telling me what to do,
You are nineteen going on ninety,
Ellen, it won't be you!


If I Only Had A Brain
From The Wizard of Oz

 I could wile away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my head I'd be scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain.

I'd unravel ev'ry riddle
For any individ'le
In trouble or in pain.
With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
You could be another Lincoln,
If you only had a brain.

Oh I could tell you why
The ocean's near the shore,
I could think of things I never thunk before
And then I'd sit and think some more.

I would not be just a nuffin'
My head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry
Life would be ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain.

=

'WHY WHY WHY, HUH?' - G.W.BUSH

I could be another Lincoln
Or wily Willy Clinton
For ninety years I'd reign,
I would be a fine orator
And a smoother operator
If I only had a brain.

I would dance like Fred Astaire
Tell lies like Tony Blair
And act like Michael Caine.
I'd fulfill my folks' ambition,
Hunt for higher intuition
If I only had a brain.

Hah! I can't tell you why
I'm short of thought 'n' that's the truth
It could've been an injury I had in youth,
Confused? Why buddy, so am I - huh?

I would henceforth be unfuddled
Be fluent and unmuddled
Thorn-sharp 'n' not inane,
I'd be wary and defensive
Never churlish or offensive
If I only had a brain.

If I Only Had A Heart
From The Wizard of Oz

 When a man's an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I'm torn apart,
Just because I'm presumin'
That I could be kind of human
If I only had a heart.

I'd be tender, I'd be gentle
And awful sentimental
Regarding love and art,
I'd be friends with the sparrows
And the boy that shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart.

Picture me, a balcony
Above a voice sings low,
"Wherefore art thou Romeo?"
I hear a beat how sweet!

Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion
And really feel the part,
I could stay young and chipper
And I'd lock it with a zipper
If I only had a heart.

=

'WHERE WHERE WHERE?' - T.BLAIR

When a man's an empty vessel
His conscience he can't wrestle
That's why I act the part,
But though I'm a liar
I could offer you desire
If I only had a heart.

I would smile and really mean it,
I've a soul (I've just not seen it),
Be popular 'n' smart,
Write a lover's diction-ary
Get the hots for flirty Cherie
If I only had a heart.

I'd be grand, guitar in hand
Or maybe a hot banjo
Do a song played rather low
I get off then, to No.Ten.

I'm as wooden as a puppet, look just like a muppet,
I'm deader than Mozart,
But I'd be an honest daddy
And not be the token baddie
If I only had a heart.

My Generation
The Who

 People try to put us d-down
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we get around
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I hope I die before I get old
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)

This is my generation
This is my generation, baby

Why don't you all f-fade away
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
And don't try to dig what we all s-s-say
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm not trying to cause a big s-s-sensation
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm just talkin' 'bout my g-g-g-generation
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)

This is my generation
This is my generation, baby

Why don't you all f-fade away
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
And don't try to d-dig what we all s-s-say
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm not trying to cause a b-big s-s-sensation
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm just talkin' 'bout my g-g-generation
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)

This is my generation
This is my generation, baby

People try to put us d-down
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we g-g-get around
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Yeah, I hope I die before I get old
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)

This is my generation
This is my generation, baby

=

MY ... WHAT? WHY?
by ... Who?
(alias Jerry Atric)

My family want to poison me
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Just 'cos I am eighty-three
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Things they do are awful cruel
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Like puttin' strychnine in my gruel
(Talking 'bout degeneration)

Yo! It's denigration
Of my limitations, baby.

Why don't you just s-s-s-stop that, please
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
M-m-moanin' about my rest-home fees,
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
I'm not tryin' to be a b-burden to yah,
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
It's not my fault I'm g-goin' peculiar
(Talking 'bout degeneration)

Yo! It's denigration
Of my limitations baby.

Why won't you all s-s-s-stay away
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Don't want you s-spongers anyway
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
You took my glasses, took m-my teeth
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Now I can't s-see and I can't eat
(Talking 'bout degeneration)

Yo! It's denigrating
My limitations, baby.

My family want to poison me
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Just 'cos I am eighty-three
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Things they do are awful cruel
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Like puttin' strychnine in my gruel
(Talking 'bout degeneration)

This is my baby onions, baby,
Yo, yo my ...um ... baby? ...onions?
Who?

America
by Simon and Garfunkel

"Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together."
"I've got some real estate here in my bag."
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And walked off to look for America

"Kathy," I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
"Michigan seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America."

Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said "Be careful his bowtie is really a camera"

"Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat"
"We smoked the last one an hour ago"
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping
"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why"
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
All gone to look for America

=

AMERICAN BAGGAGE
by
A Peace Soldier, Lost at Basra.

"Let us be soldiers, take flak in the desert together."
"I've got my kitbag, I'm eager to go!"
So we bought a pack of rhetoric, and Mr Bush's lies,
Then took off to fight for America.

"Kenny," I said, as our unit assembled in Basra,
"England seems so far away to me now,
It took me nine hours to get here from Liverpool,
I've come to fight for America."

Mingling in the town,
Playing games with the locals,
You thought a guy on a donkey was Saddam Hussein,
So I joked, "Be careful his horse-whip is really a rifle!"

"Pass me a hand grenade, I think there's one in the tank hatch."
"We chucked the last one an hour ago."
So I looked at my rifle, then I checked my magazine,
As the moon rode over the open sand.

"Kenny, I'm scared too," I said, for I knew he was weeping,
"My rifle is empty, I think we may die,
Look, our attackers are swarming around us ...!"
They've all gone to war on America.
All gone to war on America.
All gone to war on America.

Strangers in the Night
by Frank Sinatra

Strangers in the night exchanging glances
Wond'ring in the night
What were the chances we'd be sharing love
Before the night was through.

Something in your eyes was so inviting,
Something in your smile was so exciting,
Something in my heart,
Told me I must have you.

Strangers in the night, two lonely people
We were strangers in the night
Up to the moment
When we said our first hello.
Little did we know
Love was just a glance away,
A warm embracing dance away and -

Ever since that night we've been together.
Lovers at first sight, in love forever.
It turned out so right,
For strangers in the night.

Love was just a glance away,
A warm embracing dance away -

Ever since that night we've been together.
Lovers at first sight, in love forever.
It turned out so right,
For strangers in the night.

Dooby dooby doo
doo doo dee la la
da da da da da

=

STRANGER ON MY FLIGHT
(A Terror Intention In A Toilet?)

Stranger on my flight, weird nervy glances,
Scanning left and right,
What were the chances he'd explode a bomb
Afore the flight was through?

Something in my brain was darned suspicious,
Something in his eyes was darned malicious,
Sweating constantly,
Just like a whore in church.

Stranger on my flight, lone, introverted,
Sitting over on my right,
And that next moment as he
Went off to the loo,
I viewed his velvet shoes,
Were the heels trigger devices?
What's the odds we won't survive this?

Nagging in my head, a voice unnerving
Said, 'We'll soon be dead, everyone burning,
Sure as eggs are eggs,
We're gonna get bloodshed.'

Death was but a jot away
An evil terror plot away.

One thing niggled me ... I knew that guy! Who-
Ever can it be? Then recognition Hit with a fast woosh!
It was ...
That git George Bush!

Terror? Var na na!
Terror, ta ta ta!

Take A Chance On Me
By Abba

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me

(That's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'Cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(Come on, give me a break will you?)
Take a chance on me

Oh you can take your time baby, I'm in no hurry, know I'm gonna get you
You don't wanna hurt me, baby don't worry, I ain't gonna let you
Let me tell you now
My love is strong enough to last when things are rough
It's magic
You say that I waste my time but I can't get you off my mind
No I can't let go
'Cos I love you so

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa ba-ba
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
=

CONNECT WITH ME!
A boogie by
Gordon 'Honesty' Brown

If you feel some doubt, thinking I lack clout,
Take it from a Scot,
I'm the best you've got,
If you need me then you must help me fight the fight,
Tell me if I'm doin' wrong, if I'm doin' right.
If I feel alone when voters all have flown,
Here's a humble plea
Take a chance on me;
Gonna do my very best to obtain your trust,
Keep you on your feet, aye aye, not let you go bust.

Take a chance on me
(Gee, be thankful I am not oily A.Blair)
Aye, take a chance on me.

We can go far and we can gain power, between us, if together,
Gain a new image, treasure the hour, aye things can get better!
'Cause you know I've got
So much I wanna do, pay off loans overdue,
Like magic,
Don't make me flee, I'm bound
To turn my nation around,
Aye, I think you know,
Ye can't let me go.

If you change your mind, I'm the man in line,
Take it from a Scot,
I'm the best you've got,
If you need me then you must help me fight the fight,
Tell me if I'm doin' wrong, if I'm doin' right.
If I feel alone when voters all have flown,
Here's a humble plea,
Take a chance on me,
Gonna do my very best to obtain your trust,
Keep you on your feet, aye aye, not let you go bust.

Take a chance on me
(Gee, be thankful I am not idiot A.Blair)
Aye, take a chance on me.

You can take your time, show me
That you want to know me, yes see I am bubbly,
See I'm not broody, weak, mean or moody, agree I am lovely,
I wanna tell you that
My nerve is strong enough, to abide when things get tough,
I'm magic;
You say I'm a waste of space but baby it ain't the case,
Aye, I think you know,
Ye won't let me go.

I may be a Jock, but I really rock,
And at least I care,
Not like Tony Blair,
I'm agile as hell, tho' I look flabby
I am neat as well, tho' I look shabby.
If I feel alone, and my voters all have flown,
Here's a humble plea,
Take a chance on me,
Gonna do my very best, with efficiency
If you take a chance and connect with me.
(Aye connect, aye connect, aye connect to me).

A-ba na na na naa, a-ba na na na naa,
Choose efficiency
And connect with me,
Gonna do my very best to unite my flock,
To go forth again, not turnin' back the clock.
(Aye connect, aye connect, aye connect to me)

A-ba ba na na naa, a-ba na na na naa,
ba-ba.
Let your heart beat free
And connect to me.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
by Eric Idle

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...


=

ALWAYS KEEP ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF A WIFE
(A Meek and Mild Duo)

Some wives are just no good,
And you'd leave 'em if you could,
But other times they can be quite all right,
So, if you want to wring her neck,
Simply stop, say, "What the heck,"
And think of all you'd lose if she weren't here...

Always keep on the right side of a wife...
Always look at the good things, not the strife...

If she's just crashed the car,
And you judge she's gone too far,
Just shrug and say it's not her fault, no doubt,
For if you get uptight
You'll not get your bedroom rights,
And surely this is what life's all about?

Ah, always keep on the right side of a wife...
Always look at the good things, not the strife...

A wife should be much fun,
The one you love, a chum,
Although the pair of you are leagues apart;
You'll forgive her silly flaws, long as she still does the chores,
And can cook a lovely meal to fill your tum!

Oh, always keep on the right side of a wife...
Always look at the good things not the strife...

A wife'll make you sick,
When you think of it,
You'd sooner be out bumming with your mates,
But, if your ear she's nibbling,
And your chin is really dribbling,
And it's thrilling and she's willing ... hell it's great!

Always keep on the right side of a wife...
(Sing along, husbands!)
Always look at the good things not the strife...
(Come on men, enjoy being conjoined!)
Always be on the right side of your wife,
(Join in, you full-blooded males; no shirking!)
Always look at the good things not the strife...
(Blimey, no-one's infallible, allow her an occasional mistake!)
I'll always be on the right side of the wife!

Jerusalem

And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen?

And did the countenance divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark Satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!

I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.

=

A JAM RULE ENDS

And did roast beef in olden time
Fill gentle England's inner need?
And was McDonalds just a name
Synonymous with US greed?

And how did burger and French fries
Cause fish 'n' chips to lose appeal?
And what unusual bugs nestle in
Among those dark Satanic meals?

Bring me my honest Yorkshire pud,
Bring me my meat and my two veg,
Bring carrot, turnip, fill me up;
Bring tons of home-made jam on bread.

I will not cease the endless fight,
No, nor will Hell flame-grill my plan,
Till wholesome fare is once again
Devoured in our ennobled land!

The Dangling Conversation
By Simon and Garfunkel

It's a still life water-color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtain lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.

And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
And The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
"Can analysis be worthwhile?"
"Is the theater really dead?"
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
You're a stranger now unto me
Lost in The Dangling Conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

=

A MANGLED CONSERVATION
On A Dark, Barren Land

It's a barren forest ruin,
Of a now dead pile of wood,
And the sun shines on the naked space
Of a place now lost for good.
And the rulers count their money;
Cloaked in vain indifference
Like vultures in the sky,
You can hear contented sighs,
As they mangle conservation
For the superficial highs
Of a greed that rules their lives.

And the merchandisers prosper
With each forest that is lost,
And corrupt administrations
Shut their eyes to what it's cost.
Now our Earth is slowly dying,
And we think it does not matter,
Think there's loads of time,
How can we be so blind?
As we mangle conservation
For the superficial highs
Of a greed that rules our lives.

We may one day learn a lesson,
Rue how rich Earth used to be,
Ah, analysis is futile,
It's all down to you and me;
And you whine your words of sorrow,
But they're only empty nothings,
We can't bring back our trees,
Oh, foolish, mad Mankind!
How you mangled conservation
For the superficial high
Of a greed that ruled your lives.

Right Said Fred
By Bernard Cribbins

animated video

Right said Fred
Both of us together
One each end and steady as we go

Tried to shift it
Couldn't even lift it
We was getting nowhere
And so
We
Had a cup of tea and

Right said Fred
Give a shout to Charlie
Up comes Charlie from the floor below

After straining
Heaving and complaining
We was getting nowhere
And so
We
Had a cup of tea and

Charlie had a think and he thought we ought
To take off all the handles
And the things wot held the candles
But it did no good
Well I never thought it would

Oh
Right said Fred
Have to take the feet off
To get them feet off wouldn't take a mo

Took its feet off
Even took the seat off
Should have got us somewhere but no!
So Fred said let's have another cup of tea
And we said
Right-o

Oh
Right said Fred
Have to take the door off
Need more space to shift the so-and-so

Had bad twinges
Taking off the hinges
And it got us nowhere
And so
We
Had a cup of tea and

Right said Fred
Have to take the wall down
That there wall is gonna have to go

Took the wall down
Even with it all down
We was getting nowhere
And so
We
Had a cup of tea and

Charlie had a think and he said look Fred
I've got a sort of feeling
If we remove the ceiling
With a rope or two
We could drop the blighter through

Oh
Right said Fred
Climbing up a ladder
With his crowbar gave a mighty blow

Was he in trouble
Half a ton of rubble
Landed on the top of his dome!
So Charlie and me had another cup of tea
And then we
Went home

=

A FALSE GOD OF FAME
The Epic Tale of Fred 'The Shred' Goodwin

Right said Fred,
Got to get ambitious,
Got to build our Banking empire up.

Have to do more
So that we accrue more,
We'll bid low for NatWest,
Then we
Can
Add another Bank.

Ah
Right said Fred
Now we've added NatWest
I've decided that I can be God.

We are rich, ah
And the bigger picture
Is we could be top-dogs,
We have
To
Do another deal ... though

I'm not laughing, now that overstaffing,
Is eroding profits,
I think we ought to stop it,
Ah! Some staff I'll shed,
'Cos I am Fred the Shred!

Ah ...
Right said Fred,
Now we've chopped the deadwood,
How can we continue with the growth? Huh?

Aha! I know!
There's a bank called AMRO;
Do you think an offer's unwise?
But faint heart never won a single thing!
(And so Fred
Did buy).

Ha
Ha! said Fred,
Now we're heading somewhere,
Though there's one thing that we have to do.

Have to shed staff,
Cut them half of one half,
After that, then off we can
Go and
Add
Another Bank.

Ah ...
Right said Fred,
We have to develop,
Have to do another mega-deal.
We are growing,
But the flaws are showing,
Things are getting muddled
And so
We
Have to cut the staff.

Ah, the dirt's hit the fan, and it don't look good,
The situation's global,
They think that it could snowball,
We will offload staff,
Oh ... at least another half.

Oh
Hell! said Fred,
Got to dive for cover,
RBS is going to the dogs.
Feel the tension,
Need to take a pension,
Find a place where I can lie low;
I'll hotfoot off to take up a new career,
And I'll take
The dough!

Our Last Summer
By Abba

video

The summer air was soft and warm
The feeling right, the Paris night
Did it's best to please us
And strolling down the Elysee
We had a drink in each cafe And you
You talked of politics, philosophy and I
Smiled like Mona Lisa
We had our chance
It was a fine and true romance

I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain
Our last summer
Memories that remain

We made our way along the river
And we sat down in the grass
By the Eiffel Tower
I was so happy we had met
It was the age of no regret
Oh yes
Those crazy years, that was the time
Of the flower-power
But underneath we had a fear of flying
Of getting old, a fear of slowly dying
We took the chance
Like we were dancing our last dance

I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
In the tourist jam, round the Notre Dame
Our last summer
Walking hand in hand

Paris restaurants
Our last summer
Morning croissants
Living for the day, worries far away
Our last summer
We could laugh and play

And now you're working in a bank
The family man, the football fan
And your name is Harry
How dull it seems
Yet you're the hero of my dreams

I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain
Our last summer
Memories that remain
I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
In the tourist jam, round the Notre Dame
Our last summer
Walking hand in hand
Paris restaurants
Our last summer
Morning croissants
We were living for the day, worries far away...

[fade]

=

I RECALL
By Agnetha Faltskog

We had our youth, we had a dream
The time was right, our flame was bright
And our talent shining;
Frida, Benny, Bjorn and me,
All made music history as we, a
Group of rural, guileless Swedes, with pert girl stars
Sung a merry ballad
Called 'Waterloo',
And it won Eurovision too!

I can still recall 'Mamma Mia',
I recall them all;
A hit with each new song, we could do no wrong,
'til that rainy
Summer came along.

I was the one they talked about, I
Was the girl with golden hair,
All the men adored me.
I was suffused with restless fame
As trusty fans called out my name.
Amazing!
Those wondrous years of starry sparkle
All seem funny and surreal,
Yet underneath, I had a fear of choosing,
Between the things, that I risked nearly losing,
I shook my head,
And left so many things unsaid.

I can still recall 'Mamma Mia',
'Winner Takes It All',
A hit with every tune,
We outshone the moon,
'til one dark day
Sorrow came so soon.

Marriages can die,
Under pressure,
True for you and I;
We just slipped apart, and it broke my heart,
It was time to
Make another start.

And now you're writing songs for shows,
A man with flair, a millionaire,
And your name is hallowed,
I shunned my fame,
Well, that's the nature of the game.

I can still recall 'Super Trouper'
'Winner Takes It All'
Now I'm a recluse - rueful? What's the use?
Life is short, it's
Time to call a truce.
Thank you all so much
For the music,
For giving it to me,
A songstress I'll remain, I'll repel my fame
I'll surrender.
My future for less pain
A songstress I'll remain
I surrender, I'll treasure
What remains.

Islands in the Stream
By Barry Gibb/Maurice Gibb/Robin Gibb

Baby when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside
There was something going on
You do something to me that I can't explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart
We got something going on
Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel needs no conversation
We can ride it together, ah ha
Making love with each other, ah ha

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me
To another world
And we rely on each other, ah ha
From one lover to another, ah ha

I can't live without you if the love was gone
Everything is nothing when you got no one
And you walk in the night
Slowly losing sight of the real thing

But that won't happen to us and we got no doubt
Too deep in love and we got no way out
And the message is clear
This could be the year for the real thing

No more will you cry
Baby I will hurt you never
We start and end as one
In love forever
We can ride it together, ah ha
Making love with each other, ah ha

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in between
How can we be wrong?
Sail away with me
To another world
And we rely on each other, ah ha
From one lover to another, ah ha

=

ISLAND IN THE MIRE
Gordon Brown - Hero or Clown?

When he named himself new PM, Gordon Brown,
The only way was up and so he took us down!
We were hanging here,
Not knowing what was going on.
Everything he did, he said, was all for us,
When we hooted, "Gordon, no! We have no trust!"
He whined, "Don't shoot me!
Tony Blair caused our decline.
"Everyone was blind
To the global situation,
The USA and Asia, the European nations,
Yet we can save it together, ooh hoo,
We can rough it together, aha.

"Island in the mire,
That is what we are,
Yet, we've British fire,
We can still go far,
You can move away
To a greener land
But it won't be like Blighty, oh ho,
No it won't be so mighty, oh ho.

"I shall save the nation if I get your vote,
Be the cooler Captain on the Labour boat,
We can rule the waves,
Negotiate the financial oceans.

"Iraq, Iran, the warfare in Afghanistan
There's so many challenges, but I've a plan
That can save the world,
Generating extra growth, too!

"Me? Incompetent?
Never! I deny it!
I'll beat insolvency;
New wealth for you and me!
'Cos I'm the redeemer, ooh, hoo
Oh, I'm the redeemer, aha.

"Island in the mire,
That is what we are,
Yet, we've British fire,
We can still go far,
You can move away
To a greener land,
But it won't be like Blighty, oh ho,
No it won't be so mighty aha.
Oh it won't be old Blighty oh ho,
No it won't be so mighty aha.

Lady Madonna
By The Beatles

Lady Madonna, children at your feet
Wonder how you manage to make ends meet
Who find the money when you pay the rent
Did you think that money was heaven sent

Friday night arrives without a suitcase
Sunday morning creeping like a nun
Monday's child has learned to tie his bootlegs
See how they run

Lady Madonna, baby at your breast
Wonders how you manage to feed the rest
Pa pa pa pa...
See how they run

Lady Madonna lying on the bed
Listen to the music playing in your head

Tuesday afternoon is never ending
Wednesday morning papers didn't come
Thursday night you stocking needed mending
See how they run
Lady Madonna, children at your feet

Wonder how you manage to make ends meet

=

MADONNA
(The Blonde Rebel)

Rebel Madonna, with designer-child,
Wonder how you managed to get so wild;
Who minds the toddlers when you on the stage?
Woman don't you think that you should act your age?

Friday, on that stage you really surgin',
Sunday evenin' praying like a nun
Monday mornin' sees you, Like A Virgin
Mum with two sons.

Slinky Madonna, tarty, pointed chest,
When d'you get the time off to have any rest?
Dee dee dee dee ...
Papa Don't Preach.

Cyclone Madonna, flyin' here 'n' there,
She penned a trendy pop tune, sounded Like A Prayer!

Tuesday afternoon Ashtanga yoga,
Wednesday mornin', ached a teeny bit,
Thursday, had to buy a brand new toga,
See how it fits!

Meany Madonna, she my enemy
Me? I was her husband, my name Guy Ritchie.

Maggie may
By Rod Stewart

Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you,
It's late September and I really should be back at school,
I know I keep you amused, but I feel I'm being used,
Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more.
You lured me away from home just to save you from being alone,
You stole my heart, and that's what really hurts.

The morning sun when it's in your face really shows your age,
But that don't worry me none, in my eyes you're everything.
I laughed at all your jokes, my love you didn't need to coax,
Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more.
You lured me away from home, just to save you from being alone,
You stole my soul that's a pain I can do without.

All I needed was a friend to lend a guiding hand,
But you turned into a lover and, mother, what a lover you wore me out,
All you did was wreck my bed, and in the morning kick me in the head,
Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more.
You lured me away from home, 'cause you didn't want to be alone,
You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried.

I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
Or steal my daddy's cue, and make a living out of playing pool,
Or find myself a rock and roll band that needs a helping hand,
Oh Maggie, I wish I'd never seen your face.
You made a first class fool out of me, but I'm as blind as a fool can be,
You stole my heart but I love you anyway.

=

COME BACK MAGGIE
(A Poem to a Loyal Dame)

Come back Maggie I think your poor country's in need of you,
It's mid-September, Brown's still PM and that ain't cool,
I know your 'Thatcher Years' are viewed by some with tears,
But Maggie you couldn't have done any more.
You led us to victory, saved the Falklands from the Argies,
Just one loyal dame with a handbag and blue hat.

Years go by and all take a toll, now you show your age,
But it don't worry me, gee, in my eyes you're everythin',
You laughed at Reagan's jokes, his love you didn't need to coax,
Ooh, Maggie you couldn't have done any more.
You ruled with a rod of iron, but you suited us all just fine,
We knew how we stood and that's what really counts.

All we needed was a loyal, guiding female's hand,
But you turned into a heavy and mama you could frighten the bravest man!
For power you had a thirst, yet your country still came first,
Ooh Maggie you couldn't have tried any more.
No male ever bullied you, ha! the foot was in the other shoe!
(You'd make mincemeat of Bush and oily Blair!)

I suppose I may yield my vote to young Cameron (Dave)
But deep in my mind I know he is not the one to save
Our kingdom from all of its ills, his promises lie unfulfilled,
Ooh Maggie, your ailing country is needin' you;
You could still be a femme fatale, our aged, unyielding gal,
Time to come back, iron dame, and make my day!

For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her
By Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel
video

What a dream I had
Pressed in organdy
Clothed in crinoline
Of smoky burgundy
Softer than the rain

I wandered empty streets down
Past the shop displays
I heard cathedral bells
Tripping down the alleyways
As I walked on

And when you ran to me
Your cheeks flushed with the night
We walked on frosted fields
Of juniper and lamplight
I held your hand

And when I awoke
And felt you warm and near
I kissed your honey hair
With my grateful tears
Oh I love you, girl
Oh I love you

=

FOR MY FAMILY IF, IN DEATH, I'M NEVER FOUND.
By
A First World War Soldier.

What a dream I had
In my trench last night,
I was home again,
With you, my bonny wife,
And no war in sight.

We skipped through poppy fields, here
In our wonderland,
I held your lovely face
In my joyful hands,
As I dreamed on.

Kathy, our bairn was there,
Young, fresh and apple-cheeked
In her pale-yellow dress,
We all played hide and seek, there
In the pure night...

Now, rudely I wake
To sounds of shells and guns,
I hear the yell ... "Attack!"
And I start to run
Out into the dark;
Oh, God save my world!

The House of the Rising Sun
(More about the song: Wikipedia)

 There is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one

My mother was a tailor
She sewed my new blue jeans
My father was a gamblin' man
Down in New Orleans

Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and trunk
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's on a drunk

(Organ solo)

Oh mother tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in sin and misery
In the House of the Rising Sun

Well, I got one foot on the platform
The other foot on the train
I'm goin' back to New Orleans To wear that ball and chain

Well, there is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one

=

NINNIES AND NONENTITIES

There is a house in Windsor, Berks
A noble sight to see!
And it's been the mansion for many a long year,
Of a Royal Family.

The mother rules a kingdom,
Oh, England is its name;
The father is a moaning man,
And he's a Royal pain.

Now the only thing with kingdoms is,
They cost a lot to run,
So, we're the ones who foot the bill,
While those ninnies have the fun.

(ease-in solo )

Ma'am, now let me tell you,
About the credit crunch,
And how we dwell in penury,
As you folks eat your prawns for lunch.

Oh, I got one hand round a pistol,
The gun's held to my brain,
The mortgage lenders have foreclosed,
My job's gone down the drain.

That mansion-house in Windsor, Berks
Is where I wanna be,
A Royal union rules within,
And we're nonentities.

The Day Before You Came
By Abba
video

 I must have left my house at eight, because I always do,
My train, I'm certain, left the station just when it was due,
I must have read the morning paper going into town,
And having gotten through the editorial, no doubt I must have frowned.

I must have made my desk around a quarter after nine,
With letters to be read, and heaps of papers waiting to be signed,
I must have gone to lunch at half past twelve or so,
The usual place, the usual bunch,
And still on top of this I'm pretty sure it must have rained,
The day before you came.

I must have lit my seventh cigarette at half past two,
And at the time I never even noticed I was blue,
I must have kept on dragging through the business of the day,
Without really knowing anything, I hid a part of me away.

At five I must have left, there's no exception to the rule,
A matter of routine, I've done it ever since I finished school.
The train back home again,
Undoubtedly I must have read the evening paper then,
Oh yes, I'm sure my life was well within its usual frame,
The day before you came.

I must have opened my front door at eight o'clock or so,
And stopped along the way to buy some Chinese food to go,
I'm sure I had my dinner watching something on TV,
There's not, I think, a single episode of Dallas that I didn't see.

I must have gone to bed around a quarter after ten,
I need a lot of sleep, and so I like to be in bed by then,
I must have read a while,
The latest one by Marilyn French or something in that style,
It's funny, but I had no sense of living without aim,
The day before you came.

And turning out the light I must have yawned and cuddled up for yet another night,
And rattling on the roof I must have heard the sound of rain,
The day before you came.

=

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE LYRICS.

(Inane Outpourings Of A European Poet.)

I can't believe the lyrics they are awfully mundane,
How could Benny.A. and poet Bjorn pen something that inane?
They must've had a bad day or their tongues got out of gear,
The tune itself is good, and somewhat haunting, but the lyrics are damned queer.

Their tunes are often catchy and the melodies are fine,
And usually with lyrics that are clever and inventive every time,
Oh, but something went so wrong with one lame, awful song,
It's quite unusual for them,
Agnetha sings the tune with much emotion, aye that's true,
Yet, oh, the words are poo.

I must admit I've read reviews that think the song is fine,
They think the music's perfect and the lyrics are divine,
But compare it to a good song such as 'Winner Takes It All',
And I really do believe that it does not match up at all.

'Slipping Through My Fingers' is a favourite tune of mine,
And 'Our Last Summer' too, I must've played it many times;
'Fernando' was ok,
'I Have A Dream' - another one I often play,
Oh, but there's one song I must admit I think is very lame,
'The Day Before You Came.'

I've seen the movie 'Mamma Mia' and I thought it fun,
Meryl Streep was good, though she is nigh-on sixty-one!
I'm pretty sure it featured lots of golden Abba hits,
But not 'The Day Before You Came', oh no; because that song's the pits.

Evaluating every hit that Abba ever had,
The naff words of 'The Day Before...' rank down there even with the baddest of the bad,
It's a taradiddle,
On a par with 'Hey Hey Helen', and 'Dum Diddle',
The tune is so evocative it could've hit the top,
But it's a patent flop.

I'm puffing like a train, every time I hear those awful words boom out again,
And I have found a gun, and I am going off to bed
With gun held to my head!


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