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A songagram
by Tony Crafter
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Right Said Fred (Bernard Cribbins)

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Right Said Fred
Bernard Cribbins

Right said Fred
Both of us together
One each end and steady as we go

Tried to shift it
Couldn't even lift it
We was getting nowhere
And so
Had a cup of tea and

Right said Fred
Give a shout to Charlie
Up comes Charlie from the floor below

After straining
Heaving and complaining
We was getting nowhere
And so
Had a cup of tea and

Charlie had a think and he thought we ought
To take off all the handles
And the things wot held the candles
But it did no good
Well I never thought it would

Right said Fred
Have to take the feet off
To get them feet off wouldn't take a mo

Took its feet off
Even took the seat off
Should have got us somewhere but no!
So Fred said let's have another cup of tea
And we said

Right said Fred
Have to take the door off
Need more space to shift the so-and-so

Had bad twinges
Taking off the hinges
And it got us nowhere
And so
Had a cup of tea and

Right said Fred
Have to take the wall down
That there wall is gonna have to go

Took the wall down
Even with it all down
We was getting nowhere
And so
Had a cup of tea and

Charlie had a think and he said look Fred
I've got a sort of feeling
If we remove the ceiling
With a rope or two
We could drop the blighter through

Right said Fred
Climbing up a ladder
With his crowbar gave a mighty blow

Was he in trouble
Half a ton of rubble
Landed on the top of his dome!
So Charlie and me had another cup of tea
And then we
Went home
The Epic Tale of Fred 'The Shred' Goodwin

Right said Fred,
Got to get ambitious,
Got to build our Banking empire up.

Have to do more
So that we accrue more,
We'll bid low for NatWest,
Then we
Add another Bank.

Right said Fred
Now we've added NatWest
I've decided that I can be God.

We are rich, ah
And the bigger picture
Is we could be top-dogs,
We have
Do another deal ... though

I'm not laughing, now that overstaffing,
Is eroding profits,
I think we ought to stop it,
Ah! Some staff I'll shed,
'Cos I am Fred the Shred!

Ah ...
Right said Fred,
Now we've chopped the deadwood,
How can we continue with the growth? Huh?

Aha! I know!
There's a bank called AMRO;
Do you think an offer's unwise?
But faint heart never won a single thing!
(And so Fred
Did buy).

Ha! said Fred,
Now we're heading somewhere,
Though there's one thing that we have to do.

Have to shed staff,
Cut them half of one half,
After that, then off we can
Go and
Another Bank.

Ah ...
Right said Fred,
We have to develop,
Have to do another mega-deal.
We are growing,
But the flaws are showing,
Things are getting muddled
And so
Have to cut the staff.

Ah, the dirt's hit the fan, and it don't look good,
The situation's global,
They think that it could snowball,
We will offload staff,
Oh ... at least another half.

Hell! said Fred,
Got to dive for cover,
RBS is going to the dogs.
Feel the tension,
Need to take a pension,
Find a place where I can lie low;
I'll hotfoot off to take up a new career,
And I'll take
The dough!

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