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Honorable Mentions from the Wellerism ContestSelections from examples sent by readers in response to our Wellerism contest. Also see the contest results.
"It's poetic justice," said TS Eliot as ee cummings tripped over a dangling modifier.
"Get a life!" said Dr. Frankenstein as he threw the lever.
"Out, damned Spot! Out, I say," barked Lady Macbeth to the Dunsinane cur, who sat motionlessly at the castle's back door.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," he said, remembering when his mother-in-law drove his brand-new Mercedes off a cliff.
BANKING, FINANCE, ETC.
"My place is yours," the woman said as the banker arrived to foreclose on her house.
"Any day above ground is a bonus," said the banker as he stepped from the lift on the 40th floor.
"The only thing constant is change," said the retiring toll taker on her last day of work.
"Better alone than in bad company," said the employee as he quit his job at Goldman Sachs.
"It's Greek to me," said the German diplomat as he explained whose fault it was regarding the EU's financial woes.
"Beware of Greeks begging gifts," said Chancellor Merkel as she read the latest news.
"Would you like ice with your whisky, Sir," said the waiter to the guest at the Captain's table on the Titanic.
"Keep your cotton-picking fingers off my gin," said Eli as a took a swig.
"Elementary, my dear Watson," said Crick, as he recalled the school where he first became interested in science.
"How can I say 'no'?" exclaimed Marcel Marceau when Mel Brooks offered him a part in Silent Movie.
"Black and white and red all over," said Senator McCarthy as he interrogated the bi-racial couple.
"This thing is a shoe-in!" the saboteur assured us of his plan.
"This, too, shall pass," said the urologist to the kidney stone suffering patient.
"You're laboring under a misconception," said the doctor as his patient breathed heavily after heaving her recently-gained bulk, which she mistakenly attributed to pregnancy, onto the examining table.
"This is when push comes to shove," said the midwife to a woman as the baby was born.
"Hip, hip, hooray!" said the orthopedist as he completed a double hip replacement.
"May I cut in?" asked the visiting surgeon in the operating room.
"Void where prohibited," said the renegade urologist to the patient.
"When is a man truly amiss?" said the surgeon to the candidate for a sex-change operation.
"Don't make any rash decisions," said the man as the dermatologist examined him.
"Stand and deliver," said the nurse as the obstetrician slipped entering the delivery ward.
"A stitch in time saves nine," said the twenty-six-year-old beauty as she underwent her first brow lift.
"I'd have to be crazy to pay your bill!" shouted the man as he viewed his psychiatrist's charges.
"There's a sucker born every minute," said the doctor as he delivered lampreys.
"I'll just wait and see," said the patient as she postponed her Lasik surgery.
"Laughter is the best medicine," said the medical insurance clerk as she stamped the claim DENIED.
"You've brought me to my knees," said the joint replacement patient as he exited the taxi at the hospital.
"The love of money is the root of all evil," said the dentist convicted of billing Medicaid for unnecessary root canals.
"Every little bit helps," said the woman as she spat in the lake where her husband was drowning.
"Hang in there," the guard told the prisoner before they tightened the noose.
"Finally, The light at the end of the tunnel," said the man as he lit the headlamp of the train.
"Two heads are better than one," said the ambidextrous executioner.
"No noose is good noose," said the condemned prisoner who had just gotten a reprieve.
"Live for today," encouraged the doctor, as he set the timer to midnight on the patient's life-support system.
"Measure twice, cut once," said the executioner as he readied the blade.
"Break a leg," said the understudy as the trapeze star proceeded toward the ring.
"More power to you," said the guard as he led the prisoner to the electric chair.
"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," said the karate master as he taught his student.
"It tastes funny," said the cannibal as he ate the clown.
"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down," said Jim Jones as he sipped his Kool-Aid.
"A man for all seasons," mused the cannibal, adding a pinch of this and a dollop of that.
"Well, that's bridge under the water," said the elderly man dropping his dentures into the glass.
"Better safe than sari," said the rani, considering where to stow her rubies.
"Put in a good word for me," said the apprentice lexicographer as he dropped off his mentor at the OED retreat.
"Don't mind if I do," said the gay newlywed-to-be to the anti-same-sex marriage protester.
"That's that," said the mathematician as he solved for the identity.
"A miss is as good as a mile," said the marathoner as he left the warmth of their bed.
"Let me give you my two cents," said Abraham Lincoln as he threw some coins to the beggar.
Some of our classes just read Oliver Twist, so this contest was perfect for my 8th graders! We challenged them to come up with some wellerisms of their own. Here are two of them:
"Haste makes waist," said the chubby fellow as he scarfed down his french fries.
"Well, well, well," said the man looking at the three holes in the ground.
"Go fourth and multiply," the teacher said as he gave pupils the exam.
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again," said Sisyphus as he pushed the boulder up the hill.
"My wife wears the pants in the family," said the Scotsman as he donned his kilt.
"All that glitters is not gold," said the jeweler as he admired the diamond in his hand.
"Time and Tide wait for no man," said the housewife as she grabbed the last magazine and box of detergent from the store's shelf.
"Where there's a wheel there's a way," said the thief as he sped from the bike shop.
"I really couldn't say," said the former hostage, when asked what it was like to be gagged.
"The wolf be full and the sheep unharmed," said the wolf as he ate the shepherd.
"You get what you paid for," said the security guard as he caught the shoplifter.
"It's not my fault," said the seismologist to his wife as they watched their house collapse in the earthquake.
"Bow down," said the proud paladin to the archer he'd just defeated.
"Love is blind!" exclaimed Cupid after he misfired his arrow and hit the suitor in the face.
"That is a grave error," said Roger as they buried his wife, under his name on their shared tombstone.
"Because I'm entitled to it," said Kate as she explained why she wanted people to call her Duchess.
"This is sole destroying," said the long distance runner near the end of the race.
"A picture is worth a thousand words," smiled Mona Lisa to Webster.
"A picture is worth a thousand worms," said the poor artist at the bait shop.
"Come on in," said the ova as the spermatozoon neared it.
"Sofa so good," said the tired woman as she settled into the settee.
"All's well that ends well," said the protester as the oil rig collapsed.
"You can't get there from here," said the GPS as it lost the signal.
"No offense," said the lineman after sacking the quarterback.
"Little is known," said the boy to his mother as she asked how his studying was going.
"The pen is mightier than the sword," declared the Chinese industrialist, as he signed the wire transfer to the company's African subsidiary.
"Close enough for government work," said the Chamber of Commerce rep as the City sited the homeless shelter miles from the downtown business and transportation hub.
"Opportunity knocks," thought the salesman as he reached the front door.
"Better safe than sorry," said the bank robber as he ran past the safe.
"That's water under the bridge," sighed the Venetian as he watched his house sink.
"Any port in a storm," said the sailor to the bartender as the winds started to pick up.
"I've trained and trained, but still I am so exhausted," said the marathoner running behind a bus.
"Music is the food of love," said the mosquito as she landed on the violinist's arm.
"The buck stops here," said the cowboy as he lassoed the young bull.
"The pen is mightier than the sword," said the general as he watched the armistice signing.
"Why don't you sit a spell," said the teacher to the dizzy bee contestant.
"I love to play hookey," said the hockey player when asked why he had missed a training session.
"Well, that's a no-brainer!" said the archaeologist as she discovered the exposed skull on the dig site.
"Ooh! I just love the warm weather!" said the soccer mom as she started the engine of her Hummer for the bi-daily trip to the corner store.
"A penny saved is a pound earned," said the fitness coach to the youth munching on a cheap supersized fast-food meal.
"A Penny saved is a Penny earned," said the priest as he began to seduce Penelope.
"A penny saved is a penny urned," said Ben Franklin as he dropped a coin in a large vase.
"I like the udder kind," I said as we passed a feed lot full of bulls.
"All's well that ends well," said Red Adair as he capped the blowout.
"Pride goeth before the Fall," he noted as we heard the lions once again becoming restless in August.
"The family that preys together stays together," said the lion to his cubs as they pounced upon the zebra.
"To bee or not to bee," said the apiarist as he contemplated retirement.
"Knowledge is power," said the homeowner without lights reading the fuse box manual by candlelight.
"All's well that ends well," said the environmentalist when he heard that drilling for fracking had been suspended in Iowa.
"A stitch in time saves nine," said the vet as he sewed up the cat.
"Actions speak louder than words," said the censor as he lit his bonfire of banned books.
"We'll look into it," assured the policeman, when informed of the stolen crystal ball.
"Carpe diem," said the fisherman as he landed his daily limit.
"A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss," said Kate as she sashayed away from Mick.
"I'm just planning to go stag," said the deer as he couldn't get a prom date.
"Don't go overboard," said the ship's captain to the drunken wedding party revellers.
"There's no place like home!" said the base runner as he slid in with the winning run.
"Give me a break," said the prisoner to the jailer as he gazed through the bars.
"Variety is the spice of life," explained the chef to his wife and mistress.
"There's no business like show business," said the exhibitionist before throwing open his overcoat.
"The walls have ears," Timothy observed as he made his way through the corn maze.
"A picture is worth a thousand words," said the college student as he handed in two photographs for the required two thousand word essay.
"You took the words right out of my mouth," said the philologist to the kidnapper who ungagged him.
"Don't change horses in midstream," said the Internet surfer as he watched the Kentucky Derby online.
"Can you check me out, now?" the lingerie model asked the admiring hotel clerk.
"Don't put all your begs in one ask it," said the professional fundraiser to his interns.
"Forgive and forget," said the penitent man who...
"Good fencers make good neighbors," he said as he eyed stolen goods for sale in the next yard.