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Honorable Mentions from the Wellerism Contest

LITERARY

"It's poetic justice," said TS Eliot as ee cummings tripped over a dangling modifier.
-Judy M. Goodman, Wilmette, Illinois (sonnieaaron gmail.com)

"Get a life!" said Dr. Frankenstein as he threw the lever.
-Joe Kolf, St. Louis, Missouri (jmkolf shamrockgrp.com)

"Out, damned Spot! Out, I say," barked Lady Macbeth to the Dunsinane cur, who sat motionlessly at the castle's back door.
-Russ Schneider, New Rochelle, New York (RussSchneider aol.com)

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," he said, remembering when his mother-in-law drove his brand-new Mercedes off a cliff.
-Danny Magowan, Baldwinsville, New York (rmagowan twcny.rr.com)

BANKING, FINANCE, ETC.

"My place is yours," the woman said as the banker arrived to foreclose on her house.
-Alice Slatton Campbell, Mishawaka, Indiana (alilori1 att.net)

"Any day above ground is a bonus," said the banker as he stepped from the lift on the 40th floor.
-Charles Goodwin, Christchurch, New Zealand (charles.goodwin mcap.co.nz)

"The only thing constant is change," said the retiring toll taker on her last day of work.
-Lynn Roundtree, Chapel Hill, North Carolina (armadillobooks yahoo.com)

"Better alone than in bad company," said the employee as he quit his job at Goldman Sachs.
-Greg Corbett, Adelaide, Australia (corbettgreg hotmail.com)

"It's Greek to me," said the German diplomat as he explained whose fault it was regarding the EU's financial woes.
-Donald Britton, Los Angeles, California (dbritton rocketmail.com)

"Beware of Greeks begging gifts," said Chancellor Merkel as she read the latest news.
-Carsten Kruse, Gera, Germany (c-kruse t-online.de)

HISTORY

"Would you like ice with your whisky, Sir," said the waiter to the guest at the Captain's table on the Titanic.
(this year is also the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic)
-Bill Hastie, Brisbane, Australia (bill.hastie dlgp.qld.gov.au)

"Keep your cotton-picking fingers off my gin," said Eli as a took a swig.
-Elizabeth Jones, Croghan, New York (fjones twcny.rr.com)

"Elementary, my dear Watson," said Crick, as he recalled the school where he first became interested in science.
-Bob Wilson, Oakridge, Oregon (bobwils q.com)

"How can I say 'no'?" exclaimed Marcel Marceau when Mel Brooks offered him a part in Silent Movie.
-Danny Magowan, Baldwinsville, New York (rmagowan twcny.rr.com)

"Black and white and red all over," said Senator McCarthy as he interrogated the bi-racial couple.
-Anne Thomas, Sedona, Arizona (antom earthlink.net)

"This thing is a shoe-in!" the saboteur assured us of his plan.
-Harvey D. Lynch, Atlanta, Georgia (harveydlynch gmail.com)

MEDICINE

"This, too, shall pass," said the urologist to the kidney stone suffering patient.
-Donald Britton, Los Angeles, California (dbritton rocketmail.com)

"You're laboring under a misconception," said the doctor as his patient breathed heavily after heaving her recently-gained bulk, which she mistakenly attributed to pregnancy, onto the examining table.
-Chris Crosby-Schmidt, Woodbury, Minnesota (crosb017 umn.edu)

"This is when push comes to shove," said the midwife to a woman as the baby was born.
-Leigh Wood, Bamberg, South Carolina (lwoodcnm aol.com)

"Hip, hip, hooray!" said the orthopedist as he completed a double hip replacement.
-Mary Treder, Cedaredge, Colorado (mct919 hotmail.com)

"May I cut in?" asked the visiting surgeon in the operating room.
-Gunther R. Michaelis, New Orleans, Lousiana (mgunther bellsouth.net)

"Void where prohibited," said the renegade urologist to the patient.
-Glenn Glazer, Felton, California (glenn.glazer gmail.com)

"When is a man truly amiss?" said the surgeon to the candidate for a sex-change operation.
-Joe Sinko, Stratford, Ontario (jsinko60 gmail.com)

"Don't make any rash decisions," said the man as the dermatologist examined him.
-Andrew Holt, Durban, South Africa (andrew.holt hlag.com)

"Stand and deliver," said the nurse as the obstetrician slipped entering the delivery ward.
-Robert Dockerill, Cremorne, NSW, Australia (hippogriff ozemail.com.au)

"A stitch in time saves nine," said the twenty-six-year-old beauty as she underwent her first brow lift.
-Ron Greeney, Rome, New York (RiteTyper aol.com)

"I'd have to be crazy to pay your bill!" shouted the man as he viewed his psychiatrist's charges.
-Dennis Gittinger, San Antonio, Texas (dgittinger alamo.edu)

"There's a sucker born every minute," said the doctor as he delivered lampreys.
-Milo Grika, St. Paul, Minnesota (milo grika.com)

"I'll just wait and see," said the patient as she postponed her Lasik surgery.
-Jessica Rasulo, New York, New York (paulapdl129 aol.com)

"Laughter is the best medicine," said the medical insurance clerk as she stamped the claim DENIED.
-Debbie Wolf, Lansing, Michigan (djwolf51 yahoo.com)

"You've brought me to my knees," said the joint replacement patient as he exited the taxi at the hospital.
-Barbara Combs, Lane County, Oregon (bcombs232 gmail.com)

"The love of money is the root of all evil," said the dentist convicted of billing Medicaid for unnecessary root canals.
-Dot Gulardo, Holley, New York (dgulardo hotmail.com)

BLACK HUMOR

"Every little bit helps," said the woman as she spat in the lake where her husband was drowning.
-Roy F. Dearmore, Garland, Texas (roydearmore verizon.net)

"Hang in there," the guard told the prisoner before they tightened the noose.
-Judith Marks-White, Westport, Connecticut (joodth snet.net)

"Finally, The light at the end of the tunnel," said the man as he lit the headlamp of the train.
-Nicole Casey Gladstone, Queensland, Australia (ncase9 eq.edu.au)

"Two heads are better than one," said the ambidextrous executioner.
-M Bond Nickles III, Columbia, South Carolina (mbnickle mailbox.sc.edu)

"No noose is good noose," said the condemned prisoner who had just gotten a reprieve.
-Carl Sonntag, Cancun, Mexico (carl islablanca.com)

"Live for today," encouraged the doctor, as he set the timer to midnight on the patient's life-support system.
-Michael Williams, Las Vegas, Nevada (mikew12345 cox.net)

"Measure twice, cut once," said the executioner as he readied the blade.
-Diana Kirkland, Houston, Texas (diana.m.kirkland gmail.com)

"Break a leg," said the understudy as the trapeze star proceeded toward the ring.
-Enita Torres, Houston, Texas (enitatorres gmail.com)

"More power to you," said the guard as he led the prisoner to the electric chair.
-Joe Carroll, Greensboro, North Carolina (joecarroll triad.rr.com)

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," said the karate master as he taught his student.
-Aaron Light, Sterling, Virginia (oldbushie gmail.com)

"It tastes funny," said the cannibal as he ate the clown.
-Peter Ehrenberg, Senden, Germany (peter.ehrenberg diehl-aircabin.de)

"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down," said Jim Jones as he sipped his Kool-Aid.
-Joe Kolf, St. Louis, Missouri (jmkolf shamrockgrp.com)

"A man for all seasons," mused the cannibal, adding a pinch of this and a dollop of that.
-Michael Malcolm, Sparks, Nevada (michael.malcolm gmail.com)

MISCELLANEOUS

"Well, that's bridge under the water," said the elderly man dropping his dentures into the glass.
-Don Sweeny, Quincy, Massachusetts (sweeny221 yahoo.com)

"Better safe than sari," said the rani, considering where to stow her rubies.
-Toby Ayer, Salisbury, Connecticut (tobyayer yahoo.com)

"Put in a good word for me," said the apprentice lexicographer as he dropped off his mentor at the OED retreat.
-Carlos Flores, Madison, Wisconsin (ccflores wisc.edu)

"Don't mind if I do," said the gay newlywed-to-be to the anti-same-sex marriage protester.
-Donald Britton, Los Angeles, California (dbritton post.harvard.edu)

"That's that," said the mathematician as he solved for the identity.
-John Nicholson, Washington, DC (johnnicholson aol.com)

"A miss is as good as a mile," said the marathoner as he left the warmth of their bed.
-Phillip Sterling, Baldwinsville, New York (psterling me.com)

"Let me give you my two cents," said Abraham Lincoln as he threw some coins to the beggar.
-Grazina Strolia (ggstrolia gmail.com)

Some of our classes just read Oliver Twist, so this contest was perfect for my 8th graders! We challenged them to come up with some wellerisms of their own. Here are two of them:
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," said the apiarist as he collected the honey from the hives. (Hawkins Shepard)
"A little bit goes a long way," said the computer salesman as he gave his spiel to the prospective buyers. (Kara Dowling)
-Cesily King, Spartanburg, South Carolina (cking spart7.org)

"Haste makes waist," said the chubby fellow as he scarfed down his french fries.
-Stacey Enersen, Florence, Italy (pauhana libero.it)

"Well, well, well," said the man looking at the three holes in the ground.
-Anastasia Hallab, Oak Park, Illinois (anhallab earthlink.net)

"Go fourth and multiply," the teacher said as he gave pupils the exam.
-Steve Hill, Nottingham, UK (katehill waitrose.com)

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again," said Sisyphus as he pushed the boulder up the hill.
-Joe Kolf, St. Louis, Missouri (jmkolf shamrockgrp.com)

"My wife wears the pants in the family," said the Scotsman as he donned his kilt.
-Helen Pringle, Weatherford, Texas (justicegd aol.com)

"All that glitters is not gold," said the jeweler as he admired the diamond in his hand.
-Sue Harris, Johannesburg, South Africa (susiharris gmail.com)

"Time and Tide wait for no man," said the housewife as she grabbed the last magazine and box of detergent from the store's shelf.
-Emalie Monarrez Ortega, Mazatlan, Mexico (JDLadyETO juno.com)

"Where there's a wheel there's a way," said the thief as he sped from the bike shop.
-Edward Stewart, Elyria, Ohio (emsco514 gmail.com)

"I really couldn't say," said the former hostage, when asked what it was like to be gagged.
-Michael Hobbs, Kirkland, Washington (birdmarymoor frontier.com)

"The wolf be full and the sheep unharmed," said the wolf as he ate the shepherd.
(My father, Milovan Vitezovic, is a writer. In his satirical works he often uses proverbs or famous quotations "with a twist". One of his most quoted aphorisms is this one)
-Amalija Vitezovic, Belgrade, Serbia (amalijav neobee.net)

"You get what you paid for," said the security guard as he caught the shoplifter.
-Robert Bator, Chicago, Illinois (rbator aol.com)

"It's not my fault," said the seismologist to his wife as they watched their house collapse in the earthquake.
-Jonathan Weiss, Tarzana, California (jweiss1999 aol.com)

"Bow down," said the proud paladin to the archer he'd just defeated.
-Hannah Rothstein, San Francisco, California (h.rothstein modcloth.com)

"Love is blind!" exclaimed Cupid after he misfired his arrow and hit the suitor in the face.
-Sandra Payne, Los Angeles, California (spwrite gmail.com)

"That is a grave error," said Roger as they buried his wife, under his name on their shared tombstone.
-Betty Mollo, Richland, Michigan (bmollo7 jasnetworks.net)

"Because I'm entitled to it," said Kate as she explained why she wanted people to call her Duchess.
-Jeanne Newton, Belleville, Illinois (jnewton bnd.com)

"This is sole destroying," said the long distance runner near the end of the race.
-Phil Rowland, Johannesburg, South Africa (phil oreport.com)

"A picture is worth a thousand words," smiled Mona Lisa to Webster.
-Joanna Watson, Leicester, UK (joannawatson doctors.org.uk)

"A picture is worth a thousand worms," said the poor artist at the bait shop.
-Matthew Rush Elmore, Barcelona, Spain (mrelmore yahoo.com)

"Come on in," said the ova as the spermatozoon neared it.
-Jessica Bibbee, Beijing, China (jlbibbee gmail.com)

"Sofa so good," said the tired woman as she settled into the settee.
"Safari so good," said the explorer when asked how he was enjoying the hunting expedition.
-Jim Ertner, Greensboro, North Carolina (jertner1 triad.rr.com)

"All's well that ends well," said the protester as the oil rig collapsed.
-Danny Magowan, Baldwinsville, New York (rmagowan twcny.rr.com)

"You can't get there from here," said the GPS as it lost the signal.
-Jim Block, San Francisco, California (blockphoto earthlink.net)

"No offense," said the lineman after sacking the quarterback.
-Gordon Jonas, Gordon, Oakland (gordonary yahoo.com)

"Little is known," said the boy to his mother as she asked how his studying was going.
-Gerry Morgan, Great Neck, New York (ggmorgan1 gmail.com)

"The pen is mightier than the sword," declared the Chinese industrialist, as he signed the wire transfer to the company's African subsidiary.
"A fool and his money are soon parted," whispered the model, as she languidly uncrossed her tanned legs.
-Alex Eliott, Johannesburg, South Africa (AlexEliott eversheds.co.za)

"Close enough for government work," said the Chamber of Commerce rep as the City sited the homeless shelter miles from the downtown business and transportation hub.
-Lance Manion, Gainesville, Florida (needaniel yahoo.com)

"Opportunity knocks," thought the salesman as he reached the front door.
-Dan Stalker, Gold Coast, Australia (d.stalker bigpond.com)

"Better safe than sorry," said the bank robber as he ran past the safe.
-Miryam Goldnick, Amsterdam, The Netherlands (mimicry xs4all.nl)

"That's water under the bridge," sighed the Venetian as he watched his house sink.
-Carol Schwartz, Alexandria, Virginia (carols burgundyfarm.org)

"Any port in a storm," said the sailor to the bartender as the winds started to pick up.
"If you can't beat em, join em," said the blacksmith as he forged a new chain.
-Paul Mandel, Boston, Massachusetts (paul.mand3l gmail.com)

"I've trained and trained, but still I am so exhausted," said the marathoner running behind a bus.
-Michael Allard, Saint Lucia (reefman candw.lc)

"Music is the food of love," said the mosquito as she landed on the violinist's arm.
-Chips Mackinolty, Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia (manbet174 yahoo.com.au)

"The buck stops here," said the cowboy as he lassoed the young bull.
-Tanja Cilia, Fleur de Lys, Malta (tanjachilja hotmail.com)

"The pen is mightier than the sword," said the general as he watched the armistice signing.
-B.J. Herbison, Bolton, Massachusetts (bj herbison.com)

"Why don't you sit a spell," said the teacher to the dizzy bee contestant.
-James A. Shapiro, Chicago, Illinois (JudgeShapiro gmail.com)

"I love to play hookey," said the hockey player when asked why he had missed a training session.
-Dev Kumar Vasudevan, Mhow, India (dev.kumar.vasudevan gmail.com)

"Well, that's a no-brainer!" said the archaeologist as she discovered the exposed skull on the dig site.
-Christopher Williams, New York, New York (amphibiously gmail.com)

"Ooh! I just love the warm weather!" said the soccer mom as she started the engine of her Hummer for the bi-daily trip to the corner store.
-John Anderson, Bellingham, Washington (carlisle1971 hotmail.com)

"A penny saved is a pound earned," said the fitness coach to the youth munching on a cheap supersized fast-food meal.
-Cris Bruzzone, Torrance, California (crisbruzzone aol.com)

"A Penny saved is a Penny earned," said the priest as he began to seduce Penelope.
-Dave Gomberg, San Francisco, California (dave1 wcf.com)

"A penny saved is a penny urned," said Ben Franklin as he dropped a coin in a large vase.
-Joseph Hillner, Plymouth, California (hojohill gmail.com)

"I like the udder kind," I said as we passed a feed lot full of bulls.
-Bill Pennock, Simi Valley, California (bpennock bemcoinc.com)

"All's well that ends well," said Red Adair as he capped the blowout.
-Mary Treder, Cedaredge, Colorado (mct919 hotmail.com)

"Pride goeth before the Fall," he noted as we heard the lions once again becoming restless in August.
-G Stephen DeCherney, Chapel Hill, North Carolina (sdecherney mindspring.com)

"The family that preys together stays together," said the lion to his cubs as they pounced upon the zebra.
-Paul W. Baerman, Chapel Hill, North Carolina (pb paulbaerman.net)

"To bee or not to bee," said the apiarist as he contemplated retirement.
-Scott Leff, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (scottleff2 yahoo.com)

"Knowledge is power," said the homeowner without lights reading the fuse box manual by candlelight.
-Jane Marx, New York, New York (jamarx mindspring.com)

"All's well that ends well," said the environmentalist when he heard that drilling for fracking had been suspended in Iowa.
-Anil Nerurkar, Wayne, New Jersey (anil.nerurkar yahoo.com)

"A stitch in time saves nine," said the vet as he sewed up the cat.
-Thomas Heenan, Yanbu, Saudi Arabia (thomasheenan99 yahoo.com)

"Actions speak louder than words," said the censor as he lit his bonfire of banned books.
-Cindy Bailey, Madison, Connecticut (cabbie337 comcast.net)

"We'll look into it," assured the policeman, when informed of the stolen crystal ball.
-Srikanth Chander Madani, Zurich, Switzerland (ihaveitinme yahoo.co.in)

"Carpe diem," said the fisherman as he landed his daily limit.
"Cleanliness is next to godliness," said the atheist as he postponed vacuuming the house for the third straight month.
-Lee Entrekin, Old Fort, North Carolina (harpo mindspring.com)

"A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss," said Kate as she sashayed away from Mick.
-Beth Surdut, Santa Fe, New Mexico (info bethsurdut.com)

"I'm just planning to go stag," said the deer as he couldn't get a prom date.
-Michael Kohl, Los Angeles, California (mmkohl gmail.com)

"Don't go overboard," said the ship's captain to the drunken wedding party revellers.
-Julie Hanson, Cornwall, UK (juliehanson231 btinternet.com)

"There's no place like home!" said the base runner as he slid in with the winning run.
-Dante Giammarco, Lake Ariel, Pennsylvania (dantegiammarco juno.com)

"Give me a break," said the prisoner to the jailer as he gazed through the bars.
-M Susan Broussard, Santa Monica, California (susanbroussard earthlink.net)

"Variety is the spice of life," explained the chef to his wife and mistress.
"To make a long story short," said the bookbinder as he explained the sheet trimmer's purpose.
-Steve Kubick, Memphis, Tennessee (steve.kubick autozone.com)

"There's no business like show business," said the exhibitionist before throwing open his overcoat.
-Tina L. Horne, Twinsburg, Ohio (thorne wrwp.com)

"The walls have ears," Timothy observed as he made his way through the corn maze.
"It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing," Clara said as she examined the playground critically.
-Erik Mueller-Harder, Cabot, Vermont (erikmh2010 erikmh.org)

"A picture is worth a thousand words," said the college student as he handed in two photographs for the required two thousand word essay.
-Judy Thornton, Clarksville, Arkansas (jthornt ozarks.edu)

"You took the words right out of my mouth," said the philologist to the kidnapper who ungagged him.
-Michael O'Grady, France (mog1 orange.fr)

"Don't change horses in midstream," said the Internet surfer as he watched the Kentucky Derby online.
-Rose M. DeNeve, Liverpool, New York (rose.deneve gmail.com)

"Can you check me out, now?" the lingerie model asked the admiring hotel clerk.
-Derek Adam, Woodinville, Washington (dereka exchange.microsoft.com)

"Don't put all your begs in one ask it," said the professional fundraiser to his interns.
-Joan Perrin, Port Jefferson Station, New York (perrinjoan aol.com)

"Forgive and forget," said the penitent man who...
-Karen Sheard, London, UK (karen_sheard ipcmedia.com)

"Good fencers make good neighbors," he said as he eyed stolen goods for sale in the next yard.
-Philip Rice, Santa Cruz, California (philipr cruzio.com)